Expectation and Acceptance

Expectation and Acceptance are opposites. When you accept something wholeheartedly you will not expect anything more than what it is. When you expect something either you do not understand it or you are in a state of non acceptance trying to change it.

Acceptance is necessary if peace and freedom from ego mind is required. As soon as you accept, negative thoughts stop. Ego dies. You will feel free and peaceful.

Perfection

Today I was watching my little son play with a foot ball. It did not have much air and it was damaged by being left out in all types of weather. But for a 2 year old boy it did  not matter. It looked round. It could bounce, which meant all the definitions of a ball met for him. It kept him occupied for a long time.

For a mind with no or mild ego state it was a perfect ball that can be played with. It could not find any fault with it. If ego is taken out of your mind, most of the things in the world would  be perfect as it is.  Looking for perfection is the work of ego. It will create a lot of mental noise. Each human being have something unique in them. Our job is to find and make the best use of  that uniqueness and not to exploit what we are not meant for.

If we look at our own imperfections, we create negative self judgment. It will take your confidence  away.  If we judge others imperfections, we  will try to change them. It will take your happiness away. If you are being mindful you will notice that these imperfections don’t really matter anyway, and to be human is to be imperfect. Perfection is the job of the super power.

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” – Leo Tolstoy

Story of Love

What makes a little child cling on to its mom ?  Is it Love or is it due to Fear ? How  can we define this attachment?

The little child lives in a world that is new for it and every single experience that it goes though as it tries to understand the world is out of fear. Only thing that is not fear for it is the scent of the mom. It takes comfort by attaching itself to mom. Mom reciprocates by unconditionally accepting it without making any judgement or trying to change the behavior of the little child. And so the love sprouts. If you think deep fear and love would be chicken and egg. Love cannot start without  fear in the initial stage.  Purely from a child perspective,  the initial pinch of fear is what creates the attachment and child learns to love  of mom.

But, is this attachment sufficient to grow love? As the love matures and the child gets used to the world that it came into and if it continues to cling on to mom the love will turn into hatred and anger. It takes until the teen years for the attachment based love matures and they start exploring freedom.

Same thing happens in romantic love as well. It starts based on attachment based emotions like crush -> infatuation ->respect-> admiration -> affection

But if the love has to grow past the initial stages it has to come out of this attachment based emotions and move to a growth based behaviors like acceptance,  gratefulness, abundance, most importantly freedom.

So I would define mature love as giving without expecting and accepting without questioning. Some relationships stay in the attachment stage if both the partners are  able to fulfill each others expectations, but  growth there becomes difficult because each will be trying to fulfill others expectation. But for many other relationships, If it cannot stabilise in the nurishing stage and fails to move to growth though awareness, mindfulness  and attention, the love is likely to collapse.

 

Mind and healing

Mind has the great ability to heal the body if you are at peace. Plenty of stories on the internet which documents how a positive mind has . These are documented in various medical magazines. Below is one such story of a man who recovered from terminal illness by just  focusing on what he loves to do.

Stamatis Moraitis was a Greek war veteran who was living in the United States when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and told he had only 9 months to live. He was offered aggressive treatment, but after 9 doctors apparently assured him that it wouldn’t save his life, he decided to save his money, decline treatment, and move with his wife back to his native Ikaria, a Greek island where he could be buried with his ancestors in a graveyard overlooking the Aegean Sea. Continue reading

Maturity

I wanted an answer to the question – What is maturity? So, I went in search of answer to this question by first consulting a dictionary.

Maturity as per Cambridge dictionary has 3 different contexts. In the context of mental development, it defines maturity as

  • The quality of behaving mentally and emotionally like an adult
  • A very advanced or developed form or state

I was surprised to see the word emotion used in defining maturity, so I turned to psychology to check what does emotionally behaving like adult mean. I found the answer in Transactional analysis – a piece of work done by Eric Berne (& thanks to Mr Jayaram for this beautiful article here). He says that our personality is made up of three components, the parent, the child and adult.One part is dominant in every situation.

In the  parent and child mode you can have a negative or positive frame depending on your upbringing. For example if you had controlling parents, you will behave like a parent to partner having specific rules, dominance  and controls. Or you may a nourishing parent being just a guide.If you are using  a child’s frame of mind, you are likely to over-react to events that are not very significant. You will see world you as dangerous and dominating and handle a situation with uncontrolled emotions.

But as an adult you have just one frame and will always use experience, analysis and rational thinking. It is not necessary to use adult frame all the time, but as long as we do not use the negative sides of child and parent frame then you will have better emotional control.

Adult life should be more simple, your objective of showing adult maturity is to move to the path of happiness, peace and love wherever environment, situation or mind wants to takes you. You need to be like a pendulum. Your balance is in the middle. Whichever way you are pulled you need to return to your balance in no time. That is the real safe state. That is the state of no suffering. A state of love. That is maturity.

Transaction Analysis also documents  various relationship problem patterns that can happen in a relationship when different frames are used by two people. Eric calls it games people play. I will explain that in another post. I believe that these games will also happen when you are stuck in the  love/belonging level of Maslow’s hierarchy.

Maturity is when you learn not to broadcast your emotions for sympathy.

Need and Desire

Life becomes too complex and unhappiness creeps in when we are stagnated waiting in life on a desire. Maslow’s hierarchy  which is a motivation theory,  has 8 levels  which gives you perfect answer to what is long-term happiness. In summary the more higher you strive to move in the hierarchy, more happy you will be naturally. The word naturally is important here and has very deep meaning to it. However majority of the population are stuck in lower levels with a huge list of needs & desires waiting for the world to change.

First two levels are basic needs or physiological need. These are things that you cannot live without (Food, shelter, Clothing , safety, and security). You might even steal or cheat to satisfy those basic needs if not met. Continue reading

Unaccepted Anger

Have you ever thought what happens when  anger that you show on other is not accepted ?

This Buddha story explains:

It is said that one day the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake!” Continue reading