Story of Love

What makes a little child cling on to its mom ?  Is it Love or is it due to Fear ? How  can we define this attachment?

The little child lives in a world that is new for it and every single experience that it goes though as it tries to understand the world is out of fear. Only thing that is not fear for it is the scent of the mom. It takes comfort by attaching itself to mom. Mom reciprocates by unconditionally accepting it without making any judgement or trying to change the behavior of the little child. And so the love sprouts. If you think deep fear and love would be chicken and egg. Love cannot start without  fear in the initial stage.  Purely from a child perspective,  the initial pinch of fear is what creates the attachment and child learns to love  of mom.

But, is this attachment sufficient to grow love? As the love matures and the child gets used to the world that it came into and if it continues to cling on to mom the love will turn into hatred and anger. It takes until the teen years for the attachment based love matures and they start exploring freedom.

Same thing happens in romantic love as well. It starts based on attachment based emotions like crush -> infatuation ->respect-> admiration -> affection

But if the love has to grow past the initial stages it has to come out of this attachment based emotions and move to a growth based behaviors like acceptance,  gratefulness, abundance, most importantly freedom.

So I would define mature love as giving without expecting and accepting without questioning. Some relationships stay in the attachment stage if both the partners are  able to fulfill each others expectations, but  growth there becomes difficult because each will be trying to fulfill others expectation. But for many other relationships, If it cannot stabilise in the nurishing stage and fails to move to growth though awareness, mindfulness  and attention, the love is likely to collapse.

 

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Freedom & Fear

Freedom in pure form is the basic necessity for moving to higher level of happiness or spiritual maturity. Love means freedom like I said before. Freedom is focusing on what you are and not focusing on what you want. If you do this happiness will come naturally.

Lack of freedom creates fear of authority and punishment. Fear is hence the opposite of freedom and love. Fear generates constrictive thoughts. That is when we try and solve the problem using negative psychological reactions like anger to violence.

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Communication & Love

Dear Wife

One thing that I have understood loud and clear is that talking is not communicating. We think something in the mind and we use the words that we feel is appropriate to express that thought. But have you ever thought that those words have opposite meaning to the listener ?

It looks to be true when I analyse this in more detail.

Let me give a simple example – A typical wife might define love as a feeling of having her desires met by being emotionally connecting and feeling cared. In short expectation is to put wife’s needs and wants before partners. For a husband the definition of love could be giving you freedom to do what you want without interfering and treating you as an equal rights  partner.

If you analyse this in detail both have opposite meaning to each other. wife would feel lonely and let down and husband would feel suffocated in this relationship.

Unfortunately there is no global definition of love that would give same understanding to everyone. For that matter none of the words have same interpretation by two people.

So generally couples continue to talk, shout and go into unconscious behaviors without understanding that they are not talking the same language with each other. They do not communicate. They create a negative charge by just talking. This negative charge builds up and might ignite with an unexpected small spark.

I have analysed various words like respect, maturity, happiness and each has opposite meaning to us. When most common words have opposite meaning what would a sentence mean to the other.  It is impossible to comprehend a common meaning unless we sit and decipher every word in the context of each other.   Even if you see the Cambridge dictionary it gives multiple subjective meaning for the same word.

You cannot put on others shoe and understand because the language and interpretation are totally different unless you replace the brain.

If you read spiritual texts, definition of love is more closer to freedom. This is a hard to accept definition until you understand what is love. Love is not classified as an emotion.

Love should not be demanding. Demanding is very easy. Love is acceptance of someone as they are. You need a very big heart to accept unconditionally without any expectations. That heart is love.

With love

 

 

Negativity

Dear Wife,

I have spoken to you many times about negativity. I want to explain  what is negativity and how it wrecks your body. Emotions are energised thoughts.

Emotion = Thoughts + Energy.

It can be used constructively as well as destructively.

We base our life on our desires. When a desire is not fulfilled and if mind interprets it negatively then it generates negative emotions. Anger, Fear, Greed, Jealousy, Guilt, Sadness, Anxiety etc are negative in nature.

  •  Anger – Feeling that you get when there is an obstacle to our desire
  •  Jealous – If we have/ dont have something that we desire and someone else has little more of it
  •  Sadness – If we loose something that we desire
  •  Guilt – Desiring or doing something against your moral

Desire is necessary for life but not compulsory. Desire should not become a need. This is where ego takes control of your thoughts. Ego will generate noise in your head like – I am the most unlucky person in this world or why should it happen to me always. You may start thinking that  he does not care for me because, He is not fulfilling my asks. Your mind takes that as a conclusion. If you give importance to these thoughts you are energising your thoughts.

If you get what you desired or if you do not consider that important your brain forces production of what is called happy hormone – serotonin and dopamine. This is sent into your blood stream. Any organ on receipt of this happy hormone relaxes itself. You feel a sense of happiness and achievement. Body works at its best optimum levels. This is what is human body is built for.

If you do not get what you desire and if your mind interprets it as a compulsive need not met – brian forces adrenal glands to generate hormones called cortisol and adrenaline also known as stress hormones. When this reaches your body parts through bloodstream they become rigid, alert, makes muscle stiff ready to fight. Your fight or flight mode is switched on.

For the body to be prepared for fight or flight it does various things when it sees cortisol

  • It releases a gush of glucose into blood stream, preparing energy for fight or flight
  • Suppresses immune system and diverts resources
  • Activates sympathetic nervous system which in turn suppresses digestion and food absorption as it has higher priority work to do
  • Constricts blood vessels and increases blood pressure preparing for delivery of higher dose of Oxygen for fighting or flying.

In Summary, your body starts working in a emergency mode. As long as the episode is short ( for Eg you will be sad when you loose a loved one ) you come out of it. But if this thought continues for days, months and years together then your body is always on emergency mode. Your body  is not made for that. It cannot focus on fighting bacteria and virus. It continues to remain alert every second. Muscles are stiff all the time. Lot of energy is spent on keeping the body running in this mode. Obviously you will fall sick easily. You will get spinal pains, cramps, knee aches when your muscles refuse to relax. You will feel tired more easily. This is depression. You will start depending on synthetic forms of serotonin and dopamine  that psychologists prescribe.

This is self harm. You poison your body yourself. You harm it with every negative thought.  This will lead to vicious circle of generating more negative thoughts.

To say that I do not meet your desires is like saying “I will only love the person who meets my desires”.

When desire becomes need and need becomes important than a being, love will die.

With Love,